Max Payne (*)

Before I go to see a popcorn movie, I often lower my expectations first. I don't expect every film to be Citizen Kane, especially in the action genre. I'll put up with mind-bending leaps of logic and galactically gaping plot holes as long as it's all in good fun and works within the context of that movie. I just want to be entertained for a couple of hours.

An hour into Max Payne, the new film starring Mark Wahlberg based on the computer game series, I found myself surfing on my phone to figure out how much time was left, debating whether I'd be better off walking out right then and there.

Having never played the computer game, I have no idea how closely the character of Max Payne in the film is like the character in the game. But if the game is anything like the film, it must be one boring game. Wahlberg's Max is just a standard brooding cop haunted by the tragic unsolved murder of his family. Yawn. I guess we're supposed to assume he was a loving father and husband beforehand, but we barely get any sense of what he was like before tragedy struck. Instead we get a brooding one-dimensional detective who never shows any emotion other than the occasional bout of anger.

Mila Kunis of That '70s Show tries her best to act tough as Mona Sax, but it really only works in her first scene. The sight of her toting around a big gun everywhere like it was a purse is almost laughable. The one interesting thing about her character is that the filmmakers don't take the standard route of making her a love interest. However, the lack of that cliche actually hurts the film; Max's ties to Mona are tenuous at best, so it's difficult to become emotionally invested in anything other than their twin desires for revenge -- and even then it's hard to care, because it's revenge for the deaths of characters we barely knew and care little about.

Even as an action film, this falls far short. There's actually very little action until more than an hour into the movie. And even then it's fairly boring. A few moments of extreme slow motion are supposed to be the hallmark of the film, I suppose, but it just smacks of trying too hard. The slo-mo doesn't add any wow factor; it just makes the film longer for no good reason. And the big climax barely moves the action seismograph. I may have decided to see the film through to the end, but I don't feel like I'd have missed out if I'd left.

I never cared about any of the characters. Will Max Payne find out who really killed his family? Who cares. I'm not even sure they ever explained the connection between Mona's murdered sister and the killer of Max's family. Maybe they did explain it better and I missed it when I was surfing on my phone, but that's still the filmmakers' fault for losing my interest like that. And don't get me started on the winged avenging angel aspect of the film; that purpose of that was never explained to my satisfaction.

You almost feel sorry for supporting actors like Beau Bridges and Chris O'Donnell, the latter of whom must be really hurting for work given that he took such a tiny and ultimately meaningless role.

I give this film one star and not zero only because I've seen far worse films that make you want to tear your eyes out (Once Upon a Time in Mexico and Dead Heat, just to name two). Max Payne isn't that bad. It's just boring, pointless, and thoroughly uninteresting. The only vaguely original aspect, an action hero without a new love interest, only succeeds in increasing the boredom.

I really hate to rag on the film because the screenwriter is a graduate of UT who was at the Austin Film Festival a couple weeks ago and spoke at one of the seminars I attended. This is his first screenwriting credit too, so I want to be supportive and someday get my chance to be paid millions to write a poorly-reviewed film. And to be fair, my viewing experience was tainted by the fact that the theater seemed to have ... bugs. Three times I killed a gnat or spider or something landing on my arm. This isn't a crappy theater either, so I don't know what the deal was there. So I'll just blame it all on the director for making a film in which I felt no connection with the characters, plot, or action, a film that I almost walked out of. Max Payne should have been released in the summer, because at least then I could've enjoyed the air conditioning.